Why Do We Say, "I'm Sorry" So Frequently?

Recently, my father passed away and the number one phrase most people said was, “I’m sorry for your loss” and I feel appreciative for the caring expressions of sympathy from so many people.  Hearing, “I’m sorry for your loss” so many times got me thinking about why is this phrase the most common expression of condolences. It’s always seemed odd to express, “I’m sorry,” if you didn’t do or say something wrong, egregious, with ill-intent, or from meanness.  For example, if I’m relating a story to a friend of how I face-planted after I tripped over my own feet and the friend responds with, “Oh, I’m so sorry.”  What?  That friend didn’t trip me, so their response feels misaligned to me. I wonder why? Have you thought about this?

What is the definition of the word, ‘sorry’? According to the Cambridge Dictionary, ‘sorry’ means…” an adjective that is used to express regret - used to say that you wish you had not done what you have done, especially when you want to be polite to someone you have done something bad to:

• Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't see you there.

• He'd really upset her and he didn't seem at all sorry.

• Tom, I'm so sorry about last night - it was all my fault.

• I've said I'm sorry; just get over it.

synonyms include contrite, regretful, remorseful;

feeling sadness, sympathy, or disappointment, especially because something unpleasant has happened or been done:

• feel sorry for I feel so sorry for their kids - it must be really hard for them.

• I'm sorry (that) you had such a difficult journey.

• We were both sorry to hear you've been ill again;

used to show that something that must be said causes sadness or disappointment:

• I'm sorry to say that the project's funding has been cancelled;

used to show politeness when refusing something or disagreeing:

I’m sorry, but I think you've made a mistake;

sorry sight, state, tale, etc., a bad condition or situation:

• He was a sorry sight when he got home - soaking and covered in mud;

used when apologizing for something:

• That's my foot you're stepping on. Sorry!;

used to show politeness when refusing something or disagreeing:

• Sorry, you can't go in there;

used when politely asking someone to repeat something or when politely interrupting someone:

• ‘He's late.’ Sorry?’ ‘I said he's late.

• Sorry, could you just say that last sentence again please?” (https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/sorry#google_vignette ).

Why do American Southerners say “I’m sorry” all the time?  I grew up in the deep south of the USA where people say, “I’m sorry” for just about any occasion. I noticed this quirk after having lived out of the south for several decades and then returned. While saying that expression is often used as a cultural indication of courtesy and empathy, it’s a tendency that others outside of the southern custom may see as an incongruous response.  Also, it seems to be commonly and frequently used by women who were indoctrinated to be polite at all times, to be contrite, to exude weakness. But, as the authors of the NeuroLaunch article, “Saying Sorry Too Much: The Psychology Behind Excessive Apologizing” explores, “Saying sorry too much usually isn’t about politeness at all. Psychology research shows chronic over-apologizing typically stems from low self-esteem, anxiety, or a hair-trigger sense of personal responsibility, where ordinary behavior gets misread as an offense that needs correcting. Left unchecked, the habit doesn’t just wear you down emotionally. It can quietly erode how much others trust and respect you.

Say ‘sorry’ enough times a day and it stops meaning anything. It becomes filler, like ‘um’ or ‘just checking.’ But the sheer frequency of the word is exactly what makes it worth examining. When someone apologizes for existing in an elevator, for asking a coworker a question, for having an opinion in a meeting, something more interesting than good manners is happening underneath.

When someone apologizes too much, they’re typically using ‘sorry’ as a reflex rather than a genuine response to wrongdoing. Psychologically, this pattern usually reflects a distorted radar for what counts as offensive, one that’s been calibrated to flag completely normal behavior, like bumping an elbow or asking a follow-up question, as something requiring correction. Researchers who study apology behavior describe a functional apology as a specific social tool: it acknowledges harm, expresses remorse, and often includes some attempt at repair. Excessive apologizing hijacks that same phrase and detaches it from any of those functions. The person isn’t repairing anything. They’re managing their own discomfort, or trying to preempt a reaction from someone else before it happens. This is different from being polite.

Politeness responds to actual social friction. Chronic apologizing responds to imagined friction, or to friction that exists only in the apologizer’s head. That distinction matters, because it points to where the real problem lives: not in etiquette, but in self-perception.

Chronic over-apologizers usually aren’t being more considerate than everyone else. Research on apology thresholds suggests they’ve simply recalibrated their internal radar to treat ordinary behavior as offensive, which means the real issue isn’t manners. It’s how they see themselves” https://neurolaunch.com/saying-sorry-too-much-psychology/).

Yipes!  Are you feeling called out?  Like most commonly used phrases in any language, we frequently use them while we are on ‘autopilot.’  How does saying “I’m sorry for your loss” when someone dies land to a grieving person? According to therapist Jamie Cannon, “Grief attacks everyone, but there are better ways to address it when it happens. Grief always remains present; the missing elements in one's life cannot be overcome. The pain surrounding the permanence of grief can lessen over time. ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ is one of a thousand statements that helps create distance, acting as a buffer for one's own fear. Why do we consider death to be a loss? When someone dies, we haven’t lost them. Death is so much greater than loss. It is a reorganizing of life’s framework. It involves brutal emotions with no option for escape. How can we possibly think that ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ could come close to covering that? (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stress-fracture/202002/stop-saying-im-sorry-for-your-loss ).

In their article, “What to Say Instead of ‘I’m Sorry For Your Loss,’” the authors suggest the following: “‘I’m sorry for your loss’ and ‘my condolences’ are common ways to express sympathy after someone has died—but they can come off as inauthentic or remote, worsening the sense of isolation that most bereaved people feel. By focusing on ‘your loss”’and ‘my condolences,’ these phrases create distance when a bereaved person needs to feel connected with others more than ever. Sentiments that put the focus on their experience and your desire to support them are more meaningful and resonant.

If you knew the person who died, offering a memory of them is another way to acknowledge their loss and may help them remember something they loved about the person who died.

Avoid saying you know how they feel, offering religious ‘reason’ for their loss, or telling them they’ll feel better soon.

[While there] is never anything wrong with acknowledging a loss and saying you’re sorry — ‘I’m sorry’ on its own carries real weight. What you build around it is where you can do more. [Making] an effort to have other, more meaningful phrases ready for sad situations is helpful—but that can also be its own difficult process. After all, you are preparing yourself to deal directly with what’s likely to be an uncomfortable situation and, in the process, you may be confronting some of your own feelings about death and your experience.  Instead of ‘sorry for your loss,’ consider something like, ‘I heard about your father. I’m [sad] you’re going through this. That’s a lot and I’m thinking of you.’” (https://www.empathy.com/grief/should-you-say-im-sorry-for-your-loss ).

Health and wellness editor, Angela Haupt, offers “11 Things to Say When Someone Dies Besides ‘I’m sorry’:

• ‘I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, and I’m sending you all my strength and love.’  One of the worst things to tell someone who’s grieving is that you know exactly what they're going through. Even if you've also lost a loved one—maybe you’re a widow consoling someone who has newly obtained that title—every loss is unique. Instead, [Katie] Cosgrove [,a death doula and grief coach,] suggests flipping the sentiment over and making it clear that you can’t imagine what it’s like to be in their shoes. ‘You’re validating their feelings,’ she says. ‘Even if you knew that person really well, you didn’t know them the way your friend or family member knew them,’ and it’s impossible to grasp how the loss is really landing for them.

• ‘Please accept my condolences.’ It sounds simple, right? Maybe even generic. Yet the sentiment works well when you’re talking to someone you don’t know well, or when you’re too surprised by the bad news to string any other words together, says Elizabeth Schandelmeier, a grief therapist in Pittsburgh. ‘It’s preferable to saying ‘I’m sorry,’ because it doesn't put the bereaved person in the position of having to console you by saying it’s OK,’ she points out. ‘Or, if they’re angry in the moment, [it keeps them] from snapping back that you don't need to be sorry because it wasn't your fault.’

• ‘Your [parent, partner, child, best friend] was a wonderful person. I have this cherished memory of [them] when [explain a thoughtful memory]. When people tell Cosgrove they’re going to a wake or a funeral and don't know what to say, she encourages them to share a story. ‘I can tell you from personal experience that stories about people I've lost and never heard before are like little nuggets of gold,’ she says. ‘It’s a beautiful way to cherish their memory and show that you really loved them.’ If you don’t have a story of your own, you could invite your friend to share one of their favorite memories if they feel up to it. There’s sometimes a misconception that talking about the deceased will be too painful—when, in fact, the opposite is often true.

• ‘Is it OK if I stop by in a few days with lunch? I know the kids are involved in a lot of activities. Do you need any help getting them to games?’ Acts of service can be invaluable, especially in the early days of grief, when someone's energy is zapped. ‘They’re having to tend to so many things—taking something off their plate not only says, ‘I’m here for you and I'm supporting you,’ but it truly helps reduce the burden on them,’ says Whitney Menarcheck, a licensed professional counselor in Pittsburgh who specializes in grief. ‘That may give them time to focus on the flower arrangements or take a nap.’ The more specific your offer, the better; having to think about what kind of help to ask for might dissuade someone from asking at all.

• ‘I'm holding space for you in my heart.’ People aren’t always in the habit of telling others that they’re ‘holding space’ for them, Cosgrove acknowledges. Yet she finds it’s a powerful way to convey that, while you can’t make their pain better, you will be present with them as they navigate through it. That’s why this is one of her go-to expressions when talking to the bereaved. ‘It’s a simple way to let the person know you’re thinking of them, their experience is both unique and universal, and that dealing with loss is incredibly hard,’ she says.

• ‘I'll always remember their smile [or laugh or hugs or engaging stories they told].’ This is a powerful way to memorialize someone’s physical presence—and reinforce to their loved ones that they won’t be forgotten. You might describe the mischievous twinkle in their eyes when they told a joke, or the pink streaks they dyed in their hair. ‘Grief can be very surreal,’ Cosgrove says. ‘We’re scared of losing that person, or forgetting them, so knowing what somebody else out in the world is going to remember is really helpful.’

• ‘I know a lot of people don't know what to do when someone dies by [their choice] and that can leave the person who's grieving feeling alone. I'm here for you.’ Menarcheck uses the term ‘disenfranchised grief’ to describe loss that tends to be minimized or misunderstood—like when someone dies by [their own choice] or because of an overdose, or when the bereaved had a complicated relationship with the deceased. She recalls that once, when she checked in with a friend whose ex-husband had died, the woman replied: ‘Why does everyone think that just because we weren’t married anymore, I don’t care that he’s dead?’ That speaks to the importance of always reaching out and letting your friends know you're thinking of them, no matter the circumstances of the loss.

• ‘Do you want my help, or do you want me to just listen?’ Sometimes without even realizing it, we slip into advice mode—trying to help fix the unfixable. That’s not always what someone needs. The most valuable thing you can do might be lending an ear. If your friend asks whether they've already told you a story about the person they’re grieving, ‘You can say yes, but that you’d love to hear it again’” Schandelmeier says.

• ‘Is it OK if I give you a hug right now?’ Always respect personal space: Not everyone wants to be pulled into an embrace or have their hand patted, even or especially when they’re grieving. If it’s typical for you to hug when you see each other, you’re probably fine—but if you want to throw your arms around a second cousin you last saw two decades ago, it’s best to ask first. ‘What gives you comfort doesn't always give others comfort,’ Menarcheck points out. If they say no, just be like, ‘Well, I’m thinking of you,’ and don't take it personally.

• ‘Hey, I know Sunday mornings were a special routine for you and your [parent, sibling, friend, partner, child]. Just thinking about you.’ Maybe your friend and her dad went for a walk together every Sunday morning. On the first—or second or third or 13th—Sunday after his death, check in to remind her you’re there for her. The same advice applies to birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions. The key is not making any assumptions about how your friend might be feeling, Menarcheck advises. (‘You must be so devastated today!’)  ‘It gives the person an opportunity to respond and say, ‘Wow, thanks. I’ve been struggling,’ she notes. ‘Or they may say, ‘I was just thinking about this really funny thing that happened between me and my dad.’ Allow your friend’s response to direct where the conversation goes from there.

• ‘I was watching the Cubs play, and I remember your [child, sibling, partner, best friend, parent] really loved them. It made me smile thinking about it.’ No matter how much time has passed since someone died, bring them up when you feel moved to do so. You were shopping and saw a Hawaiian shirt they would have loved? Heard their favorite song on the radio? Say it. ‘People who die become elephants in the room,’ Menarcheck says. ‘But all we want to do sometimes is talk about them. We want to laugh about them [;] we want to talk about what drove us nuts about them, and we want them to continue existing through our memories and stories.’” (qtd. in https://time.com/7001462/what-to-say-when-someone-dies/).

What do you think about how we say “I’m so sorry” for lots of occasions, including to someone who has experienced the death of a loved one / friend? Please share your thoughts, insights, and suggestions by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on social media, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at MissyDuncanPhdofficial@gmail.com . I invite you to subscribe to my blog at www.missyduncanphdofficial.com. My YouTube channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvddqOlfJbS0ypODwbmQ_JA.  Although my channel is just hatched and is not quite a fledgling, I will keep feeding it and encourage it to take flight soon.